Fear

I had no clue to the wherefores of my irrational thinking at school today. I felt desolated and lonesome; persona non grata, in more plain words -a pariah.

 

Was it because of the material I had been reading? I had a difficult time seeking the answers for my despondent emotions. All that is known, to me, was that I feared that I would retrace the painful process back to the dark state of melancholy, make a fiasco out of turning into a better person.

 

On hindsight, the trigger was made by a, once, close friend, whoose tongue, never failed to hurt me; the one who might have aggravated my depression with what little confidence I had in myself just a year ago(take a few months). Recently, seeing him and hearing the same words that once smashed my self-image, made me regress to the past perception of myself.

 

Had I not begun, this year, to move away from the past I loathed? I no longer attach or rely on others for emotional support to a high degree or even an average degree. I believe in self-empowerment -the power to do anything lie with yourself and has got nothing to do with god. Note that I have not implied that my belief in god has extinguished, I only refuse to acknowledge that every good is the result of the divine, if that held true, then god had to be blamed for every baneful scene of life. Therefore, once again, self-empowerment, we do things right because of us, not because of some non-existant devil! Acceptance of the good and bane.

 

Great! My mood has lightened up. I needed to do some musings just to figure out some matters. Afterall, knowledge is power. It enables you to rationaly know what to do if you are angry, for example.

 

Ciao.

 

 

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My gracious viewers... please forgive me

Yes, I obviously, have not been faithfully updating the blog. Forgive me, for I was uninspired, unmotivated and perhaps some what dispirited, the past week. I had been cheerful, but, I forgot why. Thus, explaining why I was feeling low.

 

I know, I am a tad bit odd. Whoever claims not to be, is lying. These quirks are what makes us so unique. Anyway, my life have been really peaceful, albeit my previous statement. As for studying, let us just assume that the books will be opened by this week. The exams shall arrive, despite my reluctance to let time pass.

 

'OM...' I am the Buddha now, at least moving towards there, but yet, I see no reason to make the drastic change at once. I might not be ready. Notice that I have been rambling about random subjects...

 

Ciao

 

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Motivation Lost

I have not been constantly updating the blog, you must not inquire, for I know not why. The motivation for me to be studying for the GCE'O's seems to be exhausting. My desire, to do it, but it is either that I am too lethargic or whatsoever after a long bleeding day at school. Enough of this.

 

Each day, I take glances at her, knowingly let slip her out of my grasp. Whether in due course or for the long-run, I have no plans-for her, the mission is not possible. I am not what she wants nor am I sure she is my Juliet. At times, when away from her, I contemplate, concluding that I lust for her no more but when I see that endearing face, hear the frost-melting voice, my feelings beg to differ. My emotions treacherous to my thoughts, there is none that I can do.

 

At present, I neither feel despondent nor misery, instead, knowing of my eccentricity. Acceptance, yet, not embracing it. Life; its meaning made clear by one word, 'irony'. To know thyself this day, but lose thyself the next. 

 

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Long Time No Blog

Yes, it is still the one-week break, yet, however, I still have not cracked open a book. The many remedials have gave me the false sense of security that I have done something, when I did none.

 

My physic teacher, really has a good sense of timing (I am, of course, being sacarstic). Which idiot will go to school at the middle of the day just for a one hour remedial? I do not want to go on further about this issue.

 

So, my hopes on studying tomorrow, still high. Logen, Logen, open a book!

 

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The Sixth Sense?

Had I been endowed with some sacred psychic powers? 

 

It all started at the airport, the day Bala migrated; I had playfully lied to some of the girls about the airliner, Bala was to board when I knew not, any information about it. It backed fired- it turned out to be JAL(the one I told them about).

 

While walking home, on the bridge, I kept thinking "Garbage truck...", coincidentally, a garbage truck passed underneath.

 

Just yesterday, while I was with Ais and Lauren, strolling towards the path, that would take us to the bus stop. I had mentioned that I missed Kristy(a friend; classmate), right at that moment, she was at a distance, on our right.

 

Later on, after the business bootcamp, when the three of us, once again was to take a bus home, I told lauren to raise her right hand and the night bus would arrive (Harry Potter). In a few seconds, the bus arrived!

 

So, am I psychic. I do not know. I am feeling a vibe now... I am hungry!

 

That's all folks!

 

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Introspection of Logish

Despite all, I believe that my resolution of being one with myself, is more or less fulfilled. Yet, my emotions have to be controlled.

 

In addition, recently, I had stronger realisations that, I somehow, am an outcast, albeit the coterie of girls I socialise with. I, at times, feel as if I am but a camera man -'Logen, help us take a picture.'- not a friend. Frankly, it is rather saddening but, by now, I am use to it; I would rather be alone and hear my inner musings.

 

So far, I have made sure I spoke up, disagreed, denied favours; I have opinions and, no longer do I want to keep them silent. To be silent would equate to disquieting of my soul, like in the past. I would rather let them out than having regrets on being a cowardice. Not to say that I indulge in whining. If you are unhappy, take the effort to change it. If it can't be changed, accept it and stop whining.

 

For now, that is all I can write about. Inspite of my intelligent contemplations on philosophy, emotions and (not least) life, my memory fails me accutely as I, most of the time, can never remember the details on what I thought about.

 

Ciao.

 

 

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Religious Bigotry/Fanatic?

I want to say no more about this (at least for now). Sit back and watch 'Trading Spouses'.

 

 http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5464505634137914176

 

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Custom Layout 2

On second thoughts, I hate this layout! I am absolutely intending to do a major re-blog.

 

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Custom Layout

Yea, I have finally created a custom layout. All I have to say is- it looks nice and yet, the posts, font colour is really bugging me.

 

Change shall take place, once I have the time; not doing assanine's homework!

 

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Bala Gone

Just yesterday, I awoke at 2, the cool and dark morning, still unbelieving that Bala was to leave in six hours. Procession towards the bathroom, then out, shivering at the zephyr...

At 3.40, after heading out of the convenience store with food, I took a cab to pick Harris and Jeffrey up, then Ais. My eyes on the meter- midnight charges, an extra fifty percent. At the back, Jeffrey whining about the cost, until he was told to 'shut up'. We were but twenty minutes from the airport, finally reaching at four plus. The rest of the lads arrived five minutes after.

Most of them sleepy, thus, the open cafe with its couches became a hotel. The rest of us, though at the mature age of fifteen, took rides on the baggage trolley, then stopped momentarily till the airport staff who saw, had left.

Five plus- near the time of Bala's arrival (6.00 a.m.), some, including I, went to the viewing gallery, to see the planes take-off and land. Bala arrived, thereby making us rush down. He was being himself, yet the eyes, prominent of sadness. We were taking pictures, all of us still in disbelief at Bala leaving. A last hug from Bala. I was in the state of apathy, or perhaps too tired to feel.

An hour, give or take the minutes, past, his mother urged him to hurry- both his grandfathers, maternal and paternal, wanted to talk to him. The mocking gaze at his little brother.

Finally, the time came for him to step through the gates- that moment I felt something within, indistinct; vague. Tearful eyes for some. Ais, Lauren and I, got up to the viewing gallery once again, to see his plane in flight, away to a distant land. At half journey, the tears welled in my eyes, Bala was gone; no more irritating singing of 'Guns and Roses' at my ear, which I'll miss; no more conversing with him; no more laughing at his 'ZERO's' for most of his Accounting Tests; no more crapping around.

Reality had finally caught up with me... Bala, my kinsman(I regard him one), was gone. Albeit, he returns, like time, the feeling of closeness, cannot return...

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First Deleted Post

There is no doubt that emotions, can prod us, to do/think irrational things. Proof? - The post I made on Friday; deleted. Merely being hurt, triggered feelings of the past year; the mind exagerates the situation.

 

 

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